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Str8Curious: Why Are So Many Gay Men in Throuples?
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Str8Curious: Why Are So Many Gay Men in Throuples?
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Str8Curious: Why Are So Many Gay Men in Throuples?

Exploring 4 Reasons Gay Guys Are More Likely to Be in a Throuple Than Straight Guys

Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where out and proud lifestyle expert Joey Skladany answers burning questions from heterosexual men about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off limits as he candidly lends advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives it to you straight — err — gay. Should you be interested in submitting a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), feel free to ping Joey directly on Instagram or email him at [email protected]).

The Question

I am fascinated by the idea of throuples in the gay community. It seems like a common thing and I’m curious how this dynamic works. Is it like what we see on Sister Wives? - Ted, Honolulu, HI

The Answer

Your guess is as good as mine, Ted. (Just kidding, kind of.) While I personally couldn’t partake in a multi-partner relationship because I’m admittedly possessive and needy (self-awareness is an admirable thing, right?), it is an arrangement that works quite well for many gay men.

RELATED: What’s It Like to Be in a Throuple? A Real-Life Triad Shares All

There are many reasons why homos (and straights, bisexuals, and pansexuals!) may enter a throuple situation and I’ve laid out the most common below:

1. It Can Spice Up a Pre-Existing Relationship

If you’ve been with the same dick for many years, bringing in a third can allow for some element of sexual adventure without being completely open and polyamorous (another common relationship type in the gay community).

It also allows for a couple to explore newfound connections, both emotional and physical, while continuing to maintain a certain level of exclusivity. This creates an environment that is safe and comfortable, but a bit more exciting than traditional monogamy.

And no, it’s typically not like an episode of Sister Wives. Because all participants are into dudes, there is not necessarily a ringleader that the other two fawn over. Time and attention, in most cases, is equally spread among all three participants. They just may have to invest in a California king-sized mattress to accommodate all of the extra cuddling and Eiffel Towering.

2. Some People Enjoy Variety

Society loves to convince us that we’re meant to end up with our one true love (a.k.a. a soulmate) and spend our entire lives with this person. And while this may be true for a chunk of the world population, it’s just not a realistic scenario for many.

The truth is that falling in love with two people can be just as easy as falling in love with one (why do you think The Bachelor is so popular?). For many gay men in throuples, they refuse to accept the fact that giving away their heart must be limited to one individual.

Different partners provide different elements of support and attraction, both physical and emotional, so why can’t you commit to two people at once? You most certainly can (even if a three-person marriage will not be recognized legally)!

RELATED: What Is Non-Monogamy? Here’s How It Works

3. It’s More Economical

A mortgage is a whole lot more affordable when split among three people than just two. And while this certainly shouldn’t be the sole reason one should dive head-first into a throuple, splitting the bills with two other partners you love can allow for a better quality of life.

RELATED: What Gay Guys Could Teach Straight Men About Non-Monogamy

Many gay throuples take extravagant vacations and invest in nicer things because #math. Also, sharing is caring. Whether it’s something as insignificant as a T-shirt or as luxe as BMW, it’s easier to afford anything if two others are either sharing the cost or contributing their own goods and investments.

4. Queer People Have Always Done Things Differently

After a childhood of defying what society expected of us, we have ultimately decided to do things on our terms and our terms only.

Some may call it an act of rebellion, but the reality is that because queer people spent so much time trying to be inauthentic versions of our true selves, we now defy the timeline and/or cultural norms that were always thrust upon us (i.e. getting married in our 20s, having kids in our 30s, experiencing a midlife crisis in our 40s… OK, so that last one may be a bit universal).

To reclaim our time, independence, and freedom to choose, we have also allowed ourselves the flexibility and room of satisfying sexual, emotional, and romantic needs in a way that works for us and doesn’t abide by a plan. And for many gays, this means a deep-rooted history in loving multiple partners, and unabashedly so.

RELATED: Why Is Non-Monogamy So Popular These Days?

Of course, a throuple situation isn’t for everyone. Generally, there has to be a fair and equal distribution of affection and attention for them to work, especially if a third person is joining a couple who already have a deeper bond and connection.

But its rise in popularity isn’t just a trend. Throuples exist because, for many people, it allows them to enjoy all of the perks and benefits of being in a relationship, but without having to create memories and romance with one person.

And while my jealous self isn’t hard-wired to share, I can at least understand and acknowledge why this dynamic may be ideal for those who challenge cultural expectations and pressures and give zero effs about what the world thinks of them and their relationship preferences.

(Also, who am I to judge when I can’t even find one boy to love me? Kudos to those who can find two. Insert sobbing emoji.)

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