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How to Be Supportive If Your Partner Is a Sexual Assault Survivor
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How to Be Supportive If Your Partner Is a Sexual Assault Survivor
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How to Be Supportive If Your Partner Is a Sexual Assault Survivor

Dating Someone Who Has Dealt With Sexual Assault? Here's What to Know

Did you know that someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted every 92 seconds? That eye-opening statistic, which comes from the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), demonstrates just how prevalent sexual violence is today. While sexual assault can happen to anyone — regardless of age, race, religion or orientation – one thing that applies across nearly all cases is that it can have lasting effects on a survivor’s mental and emotional health, as well as their relationships. That’s why if your partner has experienced this kind of trauma, it’s crucial to educate yourself on how to be supportive.?

Everyone deals with the trauma in their own unique way. That said, a 2018 report published by Samuel Merritt University revealed that there are some common things many survivors struggle with: feelings of shame, guilt, denial, isolation, and difficulty trusting others and setting boundaries. Additionally, they may experience physical symptoms, such as insomnia or eating disturbances, and psychological symptoms, ranging from flashbacks, phobias and depression to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

RELATED: How to Support Sexual Assault Survivors

Building a healthy, happy relationship with a survivor depends on your ability to show up for them in the way they need you to the most.

“Your survivor doesn’t need saving — they already saved themselves,” says Amanda Kay Price, a sexual assault survivor and television producer known for her work on?“Little Fires Everywhere,” Hulu’s Emmy-nominated limited series.“What they need is for their partners and loved ones to listen when they speak, hear what they are saying, and be there when they ask.”

To dig in a little deeper, here's what two trauma experts and real-life survivors suggest in order to make sure your partner feels safe, heard and loved.

Let Them Take the Lead in Sharing

No matter how curious or concerned you are, sexual assault survivors agree that pressuring someone to talk about their assault before they’re ready could hinder the healing process.

“The most important step for our healing is that we need to be able to have control over how we respond, and that includes when and how we share,” says Abby Honold, a survivor, advocate and activist who introduced a federal bill to better train law enforcement in trauma-informed handling of sexual assault cases.

Erinn Robinson, press secretary for RAINN, adds that survivors should also get to decide how much detail is shared.

"The feeling of being pressured and not being in control of your own story can bring back the feeling of loss of control over your body during sexual assault,” Robinson tells AskMen. “Many survivors talk about how losing control of their story after assault can feel like a second traumatic event.”

Licensed clinical social worker Melanie Shapiro agrees that it’s critical to be patient with your partner, and to provide a safe space so that they feel comfortable revealing information.

“Avoid taking it personally if your partner doesn’t want to share, or needs space or time alone to process,” she adds.

According to Honold, many survivors often fear that their partner might judge them or change their opinion of them when they share their experience. That’s why she recommends saying something along the lines of, “I won't see you any differently, but knowing what happened can help me be a better partner for you” if you want to establish a safe space that inspires them to open up.

Just Listen

Once your partner is comfortable talking to you about their assault, the best thing you can do is to listen with an open mind.?

“Remove yourself from your partner’s narrative and let them lead,” notes?Price. “By doing this you are reaffirming to the survivor that they have power again and that their story matters.”

While it may be tempting to ask lots of questions about the events to gain a deeper understanding of them, doing so could be unintentionally detrimental.

“Often, these questions will make it sound like they’re blaming the survivor for what happened, or suggesting that the survivor could have avoided the attack by doing something different,” explains Robinson. “Let the survivor take the lead.”

Honold specifically advises avoiding any questions that could be perceived as judgements — like those that start with “Why did/didn’t you [XYZ]?” — as these can contribute to survivors’ guilt and shame.

“We've asked ourselves those questions many times, and plenty of victims of sexual violence don't even know why we responded the way we did,” she explains. “Instead, remind us that we took care of ourselves in the best way we knew how.”

As it can be difficult to know what to say when your partner begins letting you in on their experience, start by reassuring them that you’re there for whatever they might need.?As Honold points out, there are many ways to be supportive without even verbally responding to your partner — making eye contact, showing them you’re engaged by nodding, or gently putting your hand on theirs.

However, it’s important to ask if it’s OK before using any kind of comforting touch while someone is disclosing their experience, as physical contact can potentially be triggering to some.

Set Clear Boundaries in the Bedroom

It should go without saying that you’ll need to be extra careful about how you navigate intimacy if your significant other has experienced sexual assault. Shapiro suggests launching a conversation in which you encourage your partner to be transparent about their likes and dislikes, or even discussing possible ground rules that might make them feel more secure.

Would it be helpful for them if you ask for consent when having sex? Would they prefer to be the one to initiate intimacy? What are their personal triggers? Are there any words you should avoid??

“It avoids confusion or miscommunication and can make intimacy feel safer,” explains Shapiro. “It can offer your partner the option to decide what does and does not feel safe. And having that control can be supportive and empowering for a survivor.”

Your partner will likely need to rebuild a sense of trust where sex is concerned, all while rediscovering what’s pleasurable to them after their traumatic experience. Because of this, it’s imperative to let them get comfortable with communicating their needs and exploring intimacy at their own pace. Once you’ve established some ground rules, you can demonstrate that you respect them by simply asking, “Does this feel OK?” as a way of doing so.

“If the only form of intimacy your partner is able to give you is to reach out to you and hold your hand, cherish that intimacy," states Price. "And I beg you, please do not take it for granted. We’re doing the best we can.”

Suggest Other Sources of Support

While there are a multitude of useful resources available for sexual assault survivors, you should tread carefully in how you bring them up to your partner. Robinson notes that only survivors should be making those choices on their own timelines, which is why you should never pressure them into seeking help or make?them feel bad about their choice not to do so.

Some of most beneficial resources she suggests include the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) and RAINN’s 24/7 Online Hotline. Calling such numbers can help survivors connect with someone at their local rape crisis center. The online chat service also offers a way for survivors to receive support, advice or practical information from one of RAINN’s trained professionals. Note that these resources are?also available for any loved ones who have been impacted by the assault, so you may want to take advantage of them, too.

Honold recommends doing some research on your partner’s specific behavioral responses to the trauma, whether they’re experiencing nightmares, hypervigilance, or depression.

“There are always small ways that you can learn how to be supportive for specific symptoms or problems we're experiencing,” she explains. “If your partner is having trouble sleeping, for example, learning about things that can help with sleep is a way to be useful without being pushy or taking on the role of a therapist. One of the best things my husband did was that he took it upon himself to learn about grounding exercises back when I used to have horrible flashbacks. I didn't even need to tell him what was going on — he took the time to research it himself, and he started learning how to help ground me when I was triggered into a flashback.”

Offer Up Help Without Pushing Them

In the aftermath of the assault, your partner may be forced to confront their trauma head on, such as if they plan to report the assault?or seek?medical attention. Offer to be there without pushing them to invite you along or take?it personally if they’d rather go it alone.?

Also, if your partner opts to seek therapy, you might want to volunteer to accompany them for a session — but again, you need to respect their choice if they don’t want you to be there.?

It can be painful to disclose details of the assault, and some survivors may even feel like it causes them to relive it. As much as you may suspect that therapy could help your partner to facilitate the healing process, allow them to decide when they’re ready to go that route.?

“It can be really tempting to see a path forward for someone that seems obvious, but going to the cops or seeing a therapist are decisions that we need to arrive at on our own,” explains Honold. “That doesn't mean that your partner won't want to talk through decisions with you, but it's really important that the survivor is the one driving the decisions about how they're moving forward.”

Your partner may decide they want to seek individual counseling before you go to therapy together. However, you can let them know that the option for couple’s counseling is on the table if they feel that might be helpful. Shapiro notes that?attending therapy sessions with your partner can provide?unbiased professional insight into how the trauma may be affecting your relationship (and how to handle it).

Above all, it’s imperative to understand that every individual’s recovery happens at their own individual pace. All you can do is keep reminding your partner that you care, listening to them when they’re ready to talk, researching and suggesting helpful resources, and showing up when they need you.

“There is no one-size-fits-all that applies to survivors — each person’s story and healing journey are unique,” explains Robinson.

And when you feel unsure of how to be supportive, don’t underestimate the impact of a simple question: “How can I help?” After all, there are a multitude of ways to show support, and what works for one person may not for another.?

“The response might be, ‘I don’t know what you can do,’ and listen to that,” advises Price. “What your partner is asking you to do is do nothing — sometimes, doing nothing is the most powerful thing a partner can do to show support.”

Remember that helping your partner to heal requires making them feel as empowered as possible, and that means allowing them to take the lead when it comes to sharing information, re-building a healthy sense of intimacy and taking charge of their own unique process.

“Loving a survivor is complex, contradictory and will not be easy,” explains Price. “But when a survivor trusts you, that trust will be one of the most beautiful things this world has to offer. Do not break that.”

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