Comparing Modern vs. Old-School Initiations Into Manhood
Are Outdated Initiations Into Manhood Stripping Men of Their Leadership Potential?
The date was going well — until he told me what he’d done the night before.
He’d been to a strip club. My gut response? I don't want to date this guy. After finishing dinner, we went for a walk.
Again, he mentioned the strip club with an air of pride and excitement in his voice, telling me the foray to the club was for his friend’s younger brother’s 19th birthday.
I must have been looking at him weirdly because he explained, “Yeah, it’s what men do. That's what you do when you become a man.”
As we walked up to the next light, I told him how I felt: “That’s what’s wrong with the world today, and it’s exactly what leads to men objectifying women. This is not the right type of initiation.”
After I’d made my point, much to my surprise, my date actually thanked me. As we kept on discussing the matter, he admitted that he’d missed an opportunity to be a good role model.
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But this was more than just one conversation between a man and a woman on a sidewalk. Thinking about the moment, it dawned on me that these modern rituals of initiation might actually be stripping men of their leadership potential.
Older Models of Manhood Initiation Rituals
Though world cultures are far from homogenous, many different ones throughout history have had some version of an initiation into manhood that looked like this: young men on the cusp of adulthood — not unlike my date’s friend’s 19-year-old brother — would go through a codified ritual that functioned as a literal rite of passage: passing from the world of boys into the world of men.
What this looked like for different cultures depended on a host of factors. Often, the young men would go out into the woods for a period of time and learn how to survive off of the land. In other cases, there would be a ceremony guided by elders in the community. The purpose was clear: This was a time for you to prove yourself, after which the people you knew saw you differently, and expected different things of you.
Unfortunately for our high-speed culture, it’s not something you can fast-track.
When it comes to stepping into manhood, young men “have to earn that right,” says Tyrone Rhyno, a ceremonial helper of the Cree people, and manager of Indigenous initiatives who has been working in ceremonies for over 20 years. “You don’t get it from Google, and you don’t get it from YouTube. You get it from experiential learning in a ceremony and in community.”
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For Rhyno, the community aspect is central to the concept — this is not something that is done in a vacuum.
“You must gain a relationship with the person who has the right and knowledge to pass down the wisdom,” he explains, referring to the importance of going into ceremony with someone who has embodied the wisdom and experience of the work.
Although ceremonies vary based on the person leading them and their personal relationships, many of these ceremonies include singing, sacred tobacco, pipes and asking the elder what is needed at that time for their journey.
When I spoke to Rhyno, he often returned to the importance of being in community, being of service and being accountable for who they are and who they want to become.
What Are the Modern Manhood Initiations?
In the go-into-the-woods model of initiation, manhood wasn’t predicated on who you could bed or the amount of naked women you saw. Instead, it was about your fortitude, courage, and ability to be self-sufficient — so that when you came back home to your people, you could contribute in a meaningful way rather than being taken care of.
These days, it seems like the closest thing many men get to outdoor survival is an alcohol-laden camping trip with friends, where they bring store-bought food and get wasted under the stars.
While this may well be a lot of fun, the absence of meaningful rituals around initiation into adulthood is contributing to a larger problem — the compromising of men’s mental health. More men than ever before are lonely and the collective mental health of men feels like it’s at a dangerous low point.
“Our culture and society are largely lost,” says men’s coach Connor Beaton. “Any type of connection to what initiation actually is… is hollowed out of society. So if you're a young man, the likelihood of you getting any kind of initiation is really slim.”
“When young boys don't have that, what you'll see is a lot of replicating the kind of structure or external appearances of what initiation could look like,” he says. “Like in frat houses, creating these ridiculous over-the-top, and oftentimes borderline abusive or harmful initiation processes, to be a part of the group. Most men in our society have lost a connection to what initiation actually is, and so they don't know what to do.”
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When young men don't get this kind of initiation, Beaton believes they will “unconsciously create circumstances in their life that will replicate a kind of pseudo-initiation rite. This is why you see a lot of young guys or men bottom out in their life cycle.”
In other words, because modern culture has become devoid of true initiation practices, the fillers that have developed are more like a group of young boys playing with sticks and pretending they’re swords than true skill development. They’re not learning anything about what it means to be a man or a leader.
Ultimately, that void is disconnecting men from their sense of self and their leadership skills. And, unfortunately, it has consequences.
The Necessity of Powerlessness
As Richard Rohr, an American Franciscan priest, once wrote, “Unless the male is led into journeys of powerlessness, he will invariably misuse power. He becomes a loose cannon in the social fabric, even dangerous to the family, always seeking his own dominative power and advancement to the neglect of others.”
Initiation is supposed to put a man or young boy in a position of powerlessness to test him.
Not only are young men not being put in scenarios where they have to stretch and grow in their skills, communication, or self-reliance, they’re — understandably, perhaps — typically resistant to activities that make them feel powerless.
The outcome is that, as Beaton puts it, “This is why [men] need to be in control. This is why they are seeking to dominate, or why they are completely checked out.”
Seeking to dominate or completely checked out? Paradoxical, perhaps, but understandable if you think about it: the world can only handle so many people in dominating positions of power. When men fail to achieve those, if that’s their only model for power, they feel like failures and start to withdraw — that’s the checking out part.
Ultimately, not having the proper initiation rituals into manhood completely undermines the integrity of a man’s self-reliance and resiliency. It calls into question his self-worth because there’s no anchor to true manhood.
So how do our boys connect to that anchor?
“It’s in the encouragement to go out into the world, trusting the wisdom and capabilities of the boy, followed by the welcoming home of his truth and reality that anchor in that manhood,” says relationship coach Mike Elliott. “Without facing challenges where men are called to dig deeper and develop more aspects of themselves, men are set up for failure, pain, and underdeveloped leadership skills.”
There is another way, however.
A New Version of Manhood Initiations?
While previous versions of initiation were effective, I don’t think we’re going to see young men heading off into the woods on their own any time soon.
Luckily, Elliott shares another way men can experience the power of initiation to develop a healthier sense of self and masculinity.
“We are relational beings, and I see being initiated into manhood as a necessity,” he says. “A process of adult figures (not just men) encouraging the younger boys to step forward and own their impact in the world, and guide them to choices that serve not just themselves but the whole village. Modeling how to take responsibility for their power and harness it in mindful ways. That’s the threshold of manhood.”
So what does a modernized, healthy initiation look like? It looks like moments in time of mentorship, recognizing the unique gifts young men have to offer, and celebrating their independence and emotional depth.
Perhaps Elliott said it best: “Boys today need help taking responsibility for their life and guidance to their greatest gifts that live within them to impact the world in a positive way. A responsible man is a safe man. The world needs more examples of safety.”
This may be how true male leadership moves forward, then. When men learn to trust themselves and trust their decisions, they learn to build circles of people that they can also trust.
This leads to greater mental health, emotional wellness, and a leadership style other people willingly follow, as they come into their own power in a healthy, balanced way — not needing or expecting to dominate anyone else, but wanting to be in balance and harmony with those around them.
Hopefully then, guys on dates will talk about the healthy, supportive manhood initiation rituals they’ve been a part of — and their dates will swoon.
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